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Monday, July 30, 2012

Endings

I have been meaning to write this post for a couple of weeks now but it is a difficult one to write. I am facing a lot of endings right now and it's been difficult.

The first ending was the one to my trip.  It ended way too soon and I really wish we could have gone for longer and further. Right now I am back in BC and missing the tent.  The outdoors, the freedom and the family time that we are no longer having is what I am missing (not the bugs)  I fully plan on making that trip to NFLD next year and really hope it happens.

The second ending I will face is on August 14th when my cherished daughter (now 16) goes back to live with her father in Ontario.  It rips my heart out every time this happens.  I don't talk about it much but it hurt SO much when she chose to go across the country to live there instead of here with me.  I miss her everyday and wish things had turned out differently.

The third ending I will face is the day after when I leave BC and head for Nunavut.  Normally I would be excited about this but because of recent circumstances I am finding this hard.  I will talk about those circumstances in a moment.  The ending to southern life is bitter sweet.  On one hand, I am leaving the rat race, the rude people that I encounter here in BC who are reacting to being afraid of other people all the time, the consumerism that I have been caught up in, the high price of living and low wages (comparitively speaking), THE RAIN, and the lack of quiet and solitude.  On the other hand, I am also leaving a place where I can: use my cell phone, buy a coffee at a coffee shop, pay less for almost everything (compared to Nunavut), buy almost anything I want, go for a run at any time of year, spend time with family, and go skiing and swimming in the ocean on the same day(not that I ever actually DID that but I COULD). So leaving is bitter sweet when it comes to things I am giving up vs things I wont miss.  I am excited about Nunavut because I know how peaceful it is in the far north. I know I will encounter people who are more like me, adventurous, brave, and with a different life view. I will also be around Inuit again and I really miss them.  I kind of regret not going to Nunavik (northern Quebec) for several reasons too although by the time I decided to go north again they had already done their hiring for the year.

Ok, now for the final ending that I am having the most time talking about: my father.  He is very very ill.  When I decided to go north again he seemed to be getting better but now it is quite clear that he is going to die. Soon.  I cannot even begin to express how bereft, guilty, sad, and desperate I feel about this.  I wish with all my heart I had chosen to wait another year so I could be here for the final days and then for my mother afterwards.  In two weeks when I get on the airplane I will be saying goodbye to my father for the final time and I cannot bear even talking about it.  Not only will I never see him again, I will also not be present for his funeral because when it happens I will likely just have arrived in Nunavut and will be unable to leave.  I am staying in my parent's house right now and the sadness here is palpable.  It is a weight.  My father has begun to give his possessions away because he now accepts that he is dying. (he was denying it for a long time, hanging onto hope that he could beat the cancer).  Last night he gave his only winter hat to my son so that Brogan could be warm.  The symbolic nature of this gift was heart breaking because it means he doesnt think he will be here for the winter.  My mother is trying to be brave about it and doesnt really talk about how she feels but I see the pain in her eyes and the weight of sadness on her and I wish I could stay and help her after he passes.  My brother is leaving as well (moving to northern BC) and she is going to lose everyone at the same time.  It seems so cruel.

I don't know what else to say about all of these endings.  I would be so excited for my new adventure if things were different right now.  As it stands today, I wish I had made different choices in the last few months because this is very painful.


2 comments:

  1. Victoria WooldridgeJuly 31, 2012 at 7:26 PM

    Oh, Golda…I wish I could give you big hugs right now. I wish it were possible to say that everything will be okay, and mean it. I want to say something about endings leading to beginnings, but that sounds so trite. You are a beautiful, intelligent person, and you have so much support. You have the courage and dedication to go after your dreams, and not let anything get in your way. I admire you so much for that. Your strength will see you through, and though I'm a great distance away, whatever I can do to help, please let me know.

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  2. TThank you, Vicky. I appreciate your kind words. And thak you for not saying anything trite.

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